January 27,2008

Hi all of my faithful xanga readers. I have an update on a few things last time my grandpa health was the same now there is a change he is looking better to the doctors now instead of his platletts having to be 20,000 or less they can be 10,000 before a platlett transfusion. They also took out his pic line which is good. The feeding tube is still there and will be unless he can get his platletts over 40,000 so they could try strectching his esouphgas. So things are a little better and he feels a little more encouraged. Another thing happening is an upspoken in my family. Just to please pray that circumstances get better.

    I am really looking forward to the watershed retreat this next weekend, not only to be with really good and close friends but to further my relationship with God. The topic is God so I think it will be awesome to study and learn more about him. I also am seeking membership fairly soon at Blair Ridge Baptist Church. I am thinking of joining mid Febuary. I am excited to see where I can serve and join other fellow believers to help further the kingdom of God. I want to try to make a difference in peoples lives I know one of my watershed friends already said I have in their life. Its awesome to see what God can do with me and I am always looking for ways to help others and helping them grow in God.  I want to figure out  how to serve my community too.  I pray for everyone every night and ask God to show them what he wants for their lives as well as want he wants for mine. 

Well I have done an entry for awhile, Lets see grandpa is doing ok and things are about the same. The most recent thing right now is watershed and all the trouble there. I have been very upset for awhile but I just finally telling how I feel. Joy and I may be considering leaving the group if things and treatment and comments do not stop. We have been called names, sometimes we invite certain people to our parties and they don't show up because they don't want to be here at least seems like it. I invite my unsaved coworkers to watershed activities and they get put down. Example her little boy was made fun of his height and he said to me and his mom. " Mom I thought these people are all about God", that tore my heart apart to see what kind of testimony as the people of Watershed were to this little Boy.How can I show Gods light to them if they get shot down? We are all supposed to love all and accept all in Gods eyes no matter what. I know I have been guilty of this some but I try to put myself in their shoes and try to understand where they are coming from. Also this whole clique thing seems like I am back in high school. Like there is the popular, smart, underdogs etc. and I guess I am considered that. I feel everyone should be treated the same no matter how they are or who they are. I love everyone and try to include everyone as much as possible. Also another issue is that the leadership of watershed seems to not accept people to help when they offer it. It frustrates me when I am willing to serve God and can't. I have tried more than once. Its like there is some contest on who is better than another. Or its who can do the task better. I believe if someone is willing to serve they should allow them if their heart is right. I do have a servants heart and it makes me sad that I can use it. I am trying to help build Gods kingdom but this is not the way. If we are supposed to be Gods light to our community then we all better take a look because this is not right in God's eyes the way things are handled. We sure are not what God wants to see He even loves all the criminals and people in this world. If we are Gods children then we need to follow Christs example. So I am asking that you all to pray for watershed because right now we are not where we should be.

Well the life update kind of stinks.  Anyway On Sunday morning my grandpa passed out. He stopped breathing 1 and a half minutes. He finally started breathing again and they took him to the hospital. We found out he has pneumonia again for the 3rd time and also he has a stomach aneurism that is not doing well. His stomach in hard which means that he will basically bleed to death if the aneurism borts.  Also He has had blood transfusions every 24 hrs since he went in the hospital it used to be every 2-3 days. So basically in a nut shell the doctors say there is nothing they can do for him and he's dying. He is 86 and physically his body can't handle things and his organs are shutting down basically he can only go so far and then he gives up. Its hard to say goodbye to people you love. He had bloodwork today and they were really low and not good results. I hope that when he does die that he does not suffer and goes peacefully. My family goes home tomorrow at 12 pm they are flying home from Chicago. I will miss them but it was good they could see grandpa one last time before he dies. We are basically thinking as well as the doctors that he will not come home this time he will die there. I guess if you are gonna die the hospital is a good place but personally I would like to die at home where all my family is.  he has been sick a very long time and now I believe that he is ready but yet he still fights so maybe we are all wrong. Maybe I will see him at home again. Lord willing the Lord will just take him home at least I believe so where he will suffer no more. I feel bad saying this because I will miss him terribly but he will be much happier. He definitely not happy the way he is now.

Grandpa is getting worse so I am not doing well at night sleeping. All the medicines are destroying his major organs the heart,lung and kidneys. Also he has a adominal annerism so they said if that starts to leak he would die instanly. It is a painless death and would be an quick answer for him. He has no hope anymore. I had no idea til I was told yesterday that the medicine predisone he was on so long damaged his major organs. The strange thing is He is still fighting hard. He has always been a fighter though and will not give up until he can't fight anymore. HE has always been a real hard worker all of the days he was able to work so this is very difficult on him. Grandma is physically worn out as well so we are all very concerned about her. I asked if we could have respite care for awhile for the family my parents said yes but grandpa would have to consent to it. He is very stubborn but he doesnt realize thats its taking a toll on his wife. My parents told my brother and family to come visit this summer because they are not sure how long grandpa will hold on with his organs the way they are. They are coming in July. At least maybe this will bring Joy to his live that is what he has left of it. I really pray to God that I could help him so he could be my same old grandfather he used to be but I know it is not possible. I guess at this point I don't know what to think or do. Part of the reason I don't sleep well at night is because of all this emotional stress right now. There is nothing we can do it is all a waiting game now. Time is in Gods hand with his life. It will just be a matter of when. My friend who was in the hospital I have not heard from much last time I talked to her she seemed better so my prayers were answered there. I am just trusted God to direct these situations to his plan.  Life is pretty frusterating too right now with all thats happening except I am glad for my friends who have been great encouragement and been there when I need them most. Also my family has been as well. Tonights message was great that we need to Keep looking forward and not look back and keep our eyes and lives fixed On God Lord be the center of my life thats the song that comes to mind. 

I am a mess emotionally right now because of my grandpa being really sick still and also now one of my watershed friends called to tell me she was gonna kill herself.  She is in Mercy right now and they say she is stable and ready to go home. Her parents found out and they want to put her in a mental health institute. She is not being treated fairly. She told me tonight she has nothing sharp so she can't kill herself. The minute I heard that I broke down because she is seroius and I hate breaking down in front of my friends. So tonight I will be surprised if I sleep very well because I will be concerned for her.  We talked for two hours and then the head of watershed called her. She is being watched but I still am very concerned about her.  So tonight was a very emotional night at watershed.
    Also Starting at the end of May I am gonna be looking into a new church soon. I am going to try Blair Ridge for a month or so and then decide to join their possibly. Also another option is Grace possibly,the thing at Blair Ridge is that is the church I went to since I was a baby except not under the same name. I know a lot of people there plus I feel like I can serve there more than I ever could at Vinton. So I guess you can say I have a lot of stress right now especially tonight. So I feel bad that I didn't socialize  with my friends but I needed to just come home and pray. God will get me through all this as he has before. I guess this is another palce in life where I remember Philipians 4:13.One praise is that my job is going really well so far. Praise the Lord!  Glad at least one thing is going ok.

Hi Have not updated in awhile. I am way upset today I had a terrible day because my grandpa is doing not well very depressed, He also goes for another swallow test tomorrow, and now my work found out I am looking for another job and they asked me today and I was honest and said yes I am not gonna lie. They told me they have interviewed someone else to be on the toddler room since I am looking for work and they said don't guarantee how many hours I will get. On top of all this I will have to float between all rooms, so now because of all this I am not sure how many hours I will get as soon as they replace me. This is sort of low and dirty but it does not surprise me they way they handle things. They asked me why I am looking for a new place and I said because of finiacial reasons and instability with the company. I was completely honest.  So I am looking into Lapetite and also into the nursing home that is not far from where I live they have a food job possibility.So I am continuing to work on a new place so if any of you out there have any suggestions let me know. I am very upset tonight and the way things are going I am not sure I can work there much longer. Lord give me the strength to get through this as always. This is where my life verse comes in Philippians 4:13.  I have quoted this one many times today.